Subject: Fathers letting go
From: "Fatherhood Foundation" <[email-masked]>
To: "Warwick Marsh" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 6 Jun 2004 08:48:03 +1000

Issue No. 93-7th June, 2004

visit us at www.fathersonline.org

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dads with Young Children

Grandads

Laughter

Single Dads

Special Feature

Thought for the Week

News & Info

Dad's Prayer

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dear Warwick,

It all happened last weekend.  Our eldest son, 23 years old, got married to the love of his life. If the wedding was any indication, they will be having a great time together on their honeymoon in Vanuatu.  The number of children living in our home has shrunk from five to four and the house is notably quieter.  Each of our son’s brothers and sister has expressed some degree of sadness at the loss of their brother.

Our 11 year old daughter (also a bridesmaid on the big day) insisted on making a speech at the wedding reception, saying that she was very happy to be gaining an older sister.  With four older brothers she is delighted to have a sister to help her bring out the feminine point of view to set everyone straight.  We are delighted with our new daughter-in-law.  She is absolutely wonderful.

Several of my friends who know just how close our family is have asked me how it feels to be a father-in-law.  I think they expect me to burst into tears at losing our son.  They were present at the wedding ceremony, but they were not present at the many meals we have shared with our son’s girlfriend / fiancée over the last few years.  They were not there the many times she has accompanied us on tour singing and playing music.  The oldest book of wisdom readily available to man says, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united to his wife and they shall become one flesh’.  Being a father is to set a plan for redundancy in place.  Becoming a father-in-law is a sign that the first part of that redundancy cycle is complete.  I guess there is the whole challenge of becoming a good father-in-law that I still need to learn about.  Has anyone got any tips?

There is a saying that the only two sure things in life are death and taxes.  I would like to add a third: death, taxes and change.  Being a father is a constant process of change.  Becoming a father-in-law is part of that change.  While talking with my friend Dr Bruce Robinson who wrote the book, ‘Fathering from the Fast Lane’, he shared with me that even he has not prepared enough for the change of his children leaving home.  We need to consider that our fathering role is one of constant change and the ultimate commitment is to release our children to their marriage partner as they begin a new life together.

Lovework

You don’t have to do anything this week.  All I ask is that you think about the last page in Rob Parson’s book, ‘Sixty Minute Father’.  He relates the story of a poem about a dad teaching his young daughter to ride a bike.

Tomorrow though I will run behind

Arms out to catch her, she’ll tilt, then balance wide

Of my reach, till distance makes her small,

. . . . . . .

I stop and know

That to teach her I had to follow

And when she learned . . . I had to let her go.

Yours for happy father-in-laws

Warwick Marsh

____________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 28 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 23 years to 11 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

Back to top

Dads with Young Children

THE ART OF FATHERING – ENJOYING PARENTING
by Paul Sloan

As I prepare my notes in readiness to facilitate next weeks home group (on Relationships), I discovered some excellent material written by John & Judith Simpson, ex Superintendents of the Baptist Union in Victoria. The book ‘Family Glue’ was written in 1997, and has much useful information on understanding the dynamics of family life, and suggested methods to improve it.

I think back to my early days of husband ship, and to be honest, I wasn’t really good at it. We were still living our own lives to a certain degree, and besides the obvious evening benefits, I was still prepared to spend much of my available time in the surf and with mates. Life was easy, no hassles, plenty of spare time, with spur of the moment decision making allowed to rule. Then…bring on the kids. How things change; how the days become shorter; and how much more do we as husband and wife fight. Was it the kids fault? Many people do blame the children for much of the quarrelling in family life, although seemingly unfair, however conflict does seem to intensify when we are tired, the kids are fighting, the hubby hasn’t been home all day…you know the rest. So the million dollar question remains…can we actually enjoy being a parent? Read on!

Chapter 1 of the Simpson’s’ book discusses the ability to actually enjoy being a parent, with the 12 dot points listed below indicating the tools and mechanisms available to achieve such a result.

1.   No-one is a ‘perfect parent’, so do not try to be the first super Mum or Dad. We are all too human to reach such heights.

2.    Don’t waste time comparing yourself with other parents. Sometimes you will come out on top; most times you will think they are doing better than you are.

3.   Avoid the ‘just you wait’ doomsday crowd. Their favourite speech is ‘Just you wait till they’re teenagers’. They expect the worst and are usually not disappointed.

4.   Put as much effort into listening to your kids as you do helping them learn to speak. There is no point in helping them put words together if you don’t listen to them. Family sharing time is a blue chip investment.

5.    Accept your kids invitations to play when they are small and they will more likely to continue to invite you to talk with them when they are older. If you are always too busy to play, it’s time to re-order your priorities.

6.    When you play games with the kids, don’t always play to win. Make sure they win more than you do. It’s a great way to build confidence and have fun at the same time.

7.    Turn off the TV more often. TV ruins good conversation, numbs the brain and can offer values which are highly questionable.

8.    Avoid turning every family dilemma into a major issue. We all make mistakes and get things wrong. Life is filled with rough edges. Offer patience and grace.

9.    Define reasonable limits for family functioning. Guidelines are essential. Everybody (parents and kids) needs a framework in which to operate. Develop these early. Talk them over with the family and set them together. This will promote ownership.

10. Look after yourself. Tired parents find it hard to cope at the best of times. It’s hard when children are teething, or when there is illness. Unrelenting fatigue makes anyone unbearable. Tired parents are unhappy parents.

11. When you are wrong say so. You cannot expect your kids to say ‘sorry’ if you have not modelled this yourself. A sincere parental apology recognises that we all fail.

12. Great characters are built over a life-time, not overnight. If your child seems to making slow progress, don’t panic. We all have a distance to go in becoming fine people. Above all, pray for them.

Think about this:

Our greatest gift to this world will lie in the quality of the people who are growing up under the same roof as ours. Whatever else our accomplishments in this life are, nothing will come near the rearing of cheerful, secure young people. Most parents need to be told many times that such an enterprise can be a truly joyful experience.

Remember – being a parent is a great privilege and responsibility…but getting it right does not always come easily. Common sense, mixed with homespun wisdom, optimism, and faith in God will provide a great formula to make the job a little more enjoyable.

Till Next Time…Paul
__________________________________________________________
Paul and his wife are the Children’s Ministry Coordinators for the Goodlife Community Centre in Buderim, QLD. Paul has children aged two, ten and thirteen years. Paul is an active surfer and a family man who hasn't lost his sense of humour.

Back to top

Grandads

In touch with grandkids.

Separated from their grandchildren by years--and miles--creative grandparents are finding ways to stay close. (Extended Family).

by Nick Gallo

At summer camp in New York's Adirondack Mountains, 6-year-old Hannah had a blast. She hiked in the woods. She went canoeing. She ate s'mores and sang folk songs around a campfire. When she returned home to Vermont, her parents asked her to name her favorite thing about spending time at camp.

'Being with Grandma,' she promptly replied. That's the idea of the grandparent-grandchild camp Hannah attended, one of many such summer adventures offered around the country for grandparents and their grandkids. 'She'll always remember the summer she went to camp with Grandma,' says Holly Noble, Hannah's grandmother who lives in California--too far away to see her grandchildren regularly.

With millions of families separated by distances that make day-to-day contact impossible, the push is on for new ways to strengthen bonds, and cross-generational summer camps are just the beginning.

'We're entering a new age of vital grandparenting,' says psychiatrist Arthur Kornhaber, creator of the Foundation for Grandparenting (www.grandparenting.org)'Grandparents are now more active and more educated. They understand more than ever that families need to band together.'

But reinforcing that love and affection over long distances isn't easy. Experts say two things are crucial: regular contact and frequent communication. Here's a look at how some grandparents are devising ways to maintain both.

HOME VISITING

Studies show that only one-third of grandparents live near enough to a grandchild to see him or her once or twice a week. But it's critical to make face-to-face contact--even ff it's just a few times a year, says Kornhaber, author of The Grandparent Guide.

Develop special rituals for those visits, suggests Amy Goyer, coordinator of the American Association of Retired Persons' Grandparent Information Center. Play a certain board game together. Pick a particular restaurant to be a favorite. Reserve a specific activity that's just shared by the two of you. 'Do something a few times and it becomes a special tie,' she says.

Don't try to pack in a million activities or force a relationship in a single visit, says Goyer. Let it develop naturally, and you may find not only opportunities to bond, but also to reinforce values--which is a major part of the job once you've become a grandparent.

That's what Sharon Caulder did on a recent visit with her grandchildren. Knowing that grandsons Tre, 9, and Landon, 7, were big fans of the Star Wars movies, she took them to the latest episode. Afterward, as she and the two boys talked about the moral choices that the characters faced, the conversation expanded to focus on how the children might handle similar challenges. 'Now, I'm Grandma Yoda,' she smiles. 'When the kids have a problem, they call me to discuss it.'

STAYING CONNECTED

When visits end, it's vital to keep communication going, says Kornhaber. Fortunately, modern technology is revolutionizing the means to communicate. If you're not already using computers as part of your strategy, consider taking a crash course in the basics at a local school or even an electronics store. With inexpensive, simple-to-use models widely available, 'cyber-grandparenting' is getting easier all the time.

__________________________________________________________

This article is reprinted and can be found at:
Better Homes & Gardens, Jan, 2003, by Nick Gallo

Back to top

Laughter

Top 10 Wrong Ways
To Initiate Your Son
Into Manhood

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, 'You da man!'

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's 'personal things.'

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, 'TUFFGUY.'

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

Back to top

Single Dads

There are lots of different ways of being a single dad. You might be a dad with sole responsibility for the children, a dad who sees your children some of the time or a dad who hardly sees your children at all. You might be a single dad through divorce or through death.

What single Dads can do

If you are separated from your children's mother, being a father may be hard, but there are some very important things that you can do for your children. You are still their parent.

Single fathers can give children a feeling of being safe and secure by the way they look after them.
Try not to let hurts or anger about your children's mother spoil your relationship with your children. Parents fighting is one of the most damaging things that can happen for children. If you can't work something positive out with your ex-partner, get some help for the sake of the children.
Keep in touch with your children even if it is painful to have to keep saying goodbye after you see them. Your children need your love and care even though goodbyes are hard.
Sometimes it might seem as if it would be easier for the children if you did not see them. If you are a caring father it will be good for them to see you even if the comings and goings are difficult.
Children will be hurt if you stay away because you are disappointed or angry about your money arrangements. Whatever has been arranged by adults is not your children's fault. They still need your care.
Be positive (or don't say anything) when you talk to the children about their mother. If you don't do this they will be torn between the two of you and things will be much harder for them.
If there are bitter court disputes and you are very upset, try not to weigh the children down with your feelings. None of it was their making. They need you to care about what they need. They are not old enough to worry about what you need. If you can't let the feelings go, talk about it to friends and get adult support so you can be right with your children.
When the children are with you let them share your life. Let them see that men can cook their food (it doesn't have to be fancy) and take care of them. They will learn a lot about being a father this way.
Make the effort to learn to do things with your children.
Children will get more out of just being with you than expensive presents and always going on exciting outings (although they may ask).
Be reliable about pick-ups and drop-offs and sending back clothes. Use 'give and take' when it comes to making arrangements.
Try not to send messages with the children or keep asking them questions about their mother.
Keep in touch - often. Phone and write and remember birthdays and special occasions. Contact them when there are important school events such as exams, or going for a job.
It is OK to have different rules and ways of doing things at your house. Children can learn to understand that there are different ways of doing things in different situations.
As children get older, give permission for them to choose to stay with their mother or at a friend's place instead of staying with you. They need to know that it is OK with you so they don't feel guilty.
Try not to show that you are upset if your children's mother gets another partner. She is moving on from the old relationship and so can you. You will still always be the children's father.
All children have worries sometimes. Make it comfortable for children to talk to you and encourage them to share their worries as well as their successes.
Parents have the right to separate from their partner but they still have the responsibility to be a parent. Children have the right to be cared for by both parents, even if you are not together.
Stick in there for your children.

__________________________________________________________

Good information from the ACT Government site.
http://www.parentlink.act.gov.au/parentguides/parentg_beingadad.htm

Back to top

Special Feature

Boys To Men

Rediscovering rites of passage for our time
(Part 4)
by Richard Rohr, O.F.M.

So What About Us?

You should now be asking the right questions: How do I get initiated myself? What are the essential 'mysteries' that must be communicated?

Initiation is always about transforming: holding out for win-win, both-and, turning pain into power. Very few of us are well taught in this area, even the clergy who often see themselves as problem solvers instead of agents of transformation, as careerists instead of prophets of an alternative consciousness.

I think it is into this vacuum that the modern men’s movements have come. Whether you agree with their message or style is not the important first question. Men are looking for spiritual experience, they are trying to submit themselves to 'godfathers' in a country with very few of them. They are at least recognizing the need and the problem, and we do little good for them by simply dismissing and debunking them without offering a positive alternative for them. The steps to maturity are necessarily immature and the wise ones are always willing to wait.

Maybe your task is to read, study, pray, and suffer for a while. Remember, God and life will initiate you anyway. You just have to be expectant and ready. Maybe this little article is enough to get you on the path.

As for the essential messages, I have gleaned these from my crosscultural observations. Somehow, male initiation must communicate the following to the young man:

Life Is Hard

If you can be convinced of this early in life and not waste time trying to avoid it or making it easy for yourself, you will ironically have much less useless suffering in the long run. Because we avoid the legitimate pain of being human, we bring upon ourselves much longer, meaningless, and desperate pain.

You Are Going to Die

The certainty and reality of one’s own death must be made very real. The young man must live as one who has already died 'the first death' and is not protecting himself from the second. This is seen in the traditional Christian baptismal teaching: 'Do you not know that you who were baptized were baptized into the dying of Christ?' (Romans 6:3). One’s death must be ritualized through trials, facing loss and one’s fear of loss, and symbolic drowning of the baptized. Now we are unpracticed and unprepared for loss of any kind. 'Suffering,' the Buddha says, 'is part of the deal.'

You Are Not That Important

Cosmic and personal humility is of central importance for truth and happiness in this world. The initiate must be rightly situated in a world that demands respect from him, or he will have an inflated-deflated sense of himself that will need continual reassurance. This is almost the complete contrary of the post-modern 'I am special' button. Littleness is nothing to be denied or disguised, but gives a basis for all community, family, and service.

You Are Not in Control

The illusion of control must be surrendered by a deep experience of one’s own powerlessness. Usually only suffering accomplishes this task, especially unjust suffering and things that one cannot change. Reality and God are in control, and we will normally not accept this until led to the limits of our own resources.

Your Life Is Not About You

This is the essential and summary experience. You must know that you are a part of something and somebody much bigger than yourself. Your life is not about you, it is about God. Henceforward, the entire human experience takes on a dramatically different character. We call it holiness.

IF THESE SEEM rather negative or even wrong to you, it might be a statement of how deeply we have been formed in the soft and individualistic ethos of the recent West. For all of its advances in technology and human rights, it has not found a way to integrate the private individual into a larger and healthy society. That larger and healthy society is precisely the work of initiation—without sacrificing the importance and dignity of the individual person.

The goal of initiation rites, and healthy religion, is to situate and align the individual correctly in the universe. Such alignment is the foundation for a deep and enduring human dignity, a dignity that the young man can now see in everything and everybody else, because it is not his own. It is ours.

Religious people might describe that as belonging to God. Jesus might have described it 'as the peace that the world cannot give' (John 14:27) and the 'joy that no one can take from you' (John 16:22). It cannot be taken from you or even given to you, because it is no longer based on you. It just is. And it is good.

________________________________________________________

RICHARD ROHR, OFM, a Sojourners contributing editor, is founder of the Center for Action & Contemplation in Albuquerque, New Mexico, which sponsors rites-of-passage retreats for men and for women. The seeds of this material can be found in his books The Wild Man’s Journey (St. Anthony Messenger Press, 1992) and The Quest for the Grail (Crossroad, 1994). He is working on a book on the patterns of male initiation.

Back to top

Thought for the Week

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife and the two will become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Back to top

News & Info

The figures speak for themselves

The Australian Bureau of Statistics found in 2001 there were just over 2.3million mum-and-dad families and 2187 two-mum or two-dad families.

Read the rest below:

http://theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,9750151%255E2702,00.html

___________________________________________________________

National Day of Thanksgiving
The Hon Peter Costello spoke of an amazing understanding of Australia's heritage and were we are heading as a nation at the National Day of Thanksgiving service in Melbourne.

'We would be better to forget the litigation and work to reinforce the values drawn from the tradition that underlies our society – respect for individuals, tolerance within a framework of law, and mutual respect.' Mr Costello said.

'We should not take things for granted...'

Read the entire text below:

http://www.sightmagazine.com.au/stories/Features/costello3.6.04.htm
_________________________________________________________

FamilyEXPO2004

Strengthening Marriage & Family

Brisbane 24th July, 2004

More details at www.familyexpo.net

_________________________________________

Media Release

Fatherhood Foundation congratulates Prime Minister on his goal to strengthen marriage

The Fatherhood Foundation congratulates the Prime Minister and his government on his move to strengthen and support marriage.  The proposal to define marriage as the physical union of a man and woman for life is long overdue.  The fact that 1.5% of the population would like to demean marriage is not a sufficient argument to change the oldest institution known to man or woman.

Children need a father and a mother

A child is conceived when a man and a woman make love. A child is born 9 months later. This child is totally dependant on mum and dad.  Mothers and fathers complement each other in their important roles.  It has been shown by study after study around the world that a child needs a mother and a father to achieve the best results in life.  Sometimes, through tragedy, a child loses a mother or a father.  To force this upon our children by law is an aberration beyond belief.

The future of marriage will determine the destiny of Australia

To quote from the preamble to The 12pt Plan, prepared by the National Fathering Forum, in consultation with members from the broad Australian community:

The greatest resource this country possesses lies in the families of our nation. At the same time, the strength of our families depends on the quality of the relationships between its mothers and fathers. The quality of relationships between its mothers and fathers and their children will determine the destiny of Australia. . . . . . .

The best way to ensure strong families is to support strong marriages.  This traditional family unit – a loving father, mother and their children – is the best way to nurture, educate and protect children.  This is the best social security system the world has ever known.

Make marriage more exclusive

In all of our talk about rights we seem to forget the rights of the child.  The Fatherhood Foundation believes that every child has a fundamental right to both a father and a mother.  Earlier last week Mr Howard was attacked by a leading member of the opposition who claimed that the most important thing we can give our children is literacy.  The Prime Minister replied, “I disagree . . . the greatest gift you can give your children is love”.

It is love between a man and a woman that produces a child. The greatest gift they can give their children is their love.  The Fatherhood Foundation is convinced that the greatest need a child has is for that love to continue.  Marriage between a man and woman for life is the best way to protect that love for our children.  To settle for anything less is simply second best.  Why should we betray our children? If anything we need to make marriage more exclusive, not less so.
________________________________________________________

SHELLHARBOUR CITY COUNCIL invites professionals in Community Services , Health and Education to a forum on 'Engaging men as Fathers'

SPEAKER ADRIENNE BURGESS, International Fatherhood Consultant , Author & Broadcaster

WHEN Wednesday 23 June 2004

WHERE Seaspray Function Centre, Nth Shellharbour Beach

TIME 9.30 am – 4 pm

CATERING Refreshments & light lunch provided

COST $38.50 per person (GST inc)

BOOKINGS Shellharbour City Council Community Services

Phone: 4221 6170

Fax: 4221 6016

Email: [email-masked]

Back to top

Dad's Prayer

Dear God

I pray for my children’s future marriage partners,

That they will be prepared in body, soul and spirit.

I pray that my children will be

good marriage partners.

Help me to show them the way of love

by practical example with my wife.

My children will learn how to treat

their future spouse

By my example, not just by my words.

If that is so God

I certainly need a lot of help from you.

Back to top

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement
The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,

please mail your cheque or money order to:

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520

AUSTRALIA

You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend.  If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to [email-masked] with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading.

Back to top

visit us at www.fathersonline.org

This message was sent to you by Fatherhood Foundation using em@il bl@st!
We thought it would be great to pass on information to you about us and hope our message was well received.
If you don't wish to receive any further electronic messages to this address from or authorised by the sender then please click the unsubscribe button below.